The Flip-flopocalypse Is Upon Us, Louisiana
The Southwest Lousiana Information Station is a wondrous land of whimsy and intrigue, where major news stories share space with angry rants over how rudely someone felt they were treated when they double-dipped their marshmallows in the Golden Corral's chocolate fountain. (Or, if you want to be all technical about it, they would if we had a Golden Corral. We don't, but that'll be changing soon.)
The most recent controversy tearing families apart regards a flip-flop in the road. Specifically, it was, is, and forever will be located at Belgis and Maplewood in Sulphur, Louisiana, regardless of whether or not it's actually there. It will live on forever in our hearts.
Originally reported on May 29, 2019 by Facebook user Heather Alycia Gorum, the flip-flop had apparently already been there for "TWO AND A HALF WEEKS" before it was first mentioned in the group. What followed was akin to a second civil war, pitting brother against brother, sister against sister, and cousin against third cousin twice removed on their Mama's side.
Some people laughed at the plight of the noble flip-flop while others jeered at the silliness of it all, even going so far as to begin reporting the posts to Facebook, presumably for violating the social media's terms of service which specifically prohibits posts containing flip-flop discrimination. Probably.
Anyway, all this drama has opened up old wounds I feel we need to address if we're ever going to begin to heal. As a society, I mean.
Yeah, I'm talking about guys wearing flip-flops.
First of all, it's a commonly known fact of the universe that dudes have disgusting feet. Whether it’s a quirk of nature or by design is up for debate, but the inescapable fact is that nobody – except maybe a certain dark corner of the internet nobody talks about at parties – wants to look at them. Nobody. Ever.
And yet, everywhere I go lies an ocean of hairy toes and foot fat before me. It’s almost enough to put me off my lunch, but a man’s gotta eat. I power through it.
What’s wrong with shoes, though? You know, those things what decent folk wear on their feet to hide their weird clodhoppers from the world? I don’t mean to foot shame anyone, sincerely, and I could understand if we were on the beach and everyone was wearing flippity-flops or whatever, but I should be able to go out to eat at a restaurant in SWLA without having to endure a parade of constant toenail fungus and trying to avert my eyes from the twin disasters flapping around at the end of someone's legs.
I’m not just talking about Birkenstocks, either. Or the knock-off Walmart brand somebody's mama got them on sale the other day. There are also those Nike slipper/sandal things that people are wearing these days, but at least guys usually have enough self-respect to wear socks with the things. Sure, they shuffle along like shambling dad zombies in the convenience store and look like they just got out of bed, but whatever. At least I don’t have to see their toes.
Women, of course, can get away with open-toe shoes and sandals. Sure, you could call it a double standard if you really wanted to, but the fairer sex just has fairer feet. It’s a scientific fact that scientists have scientifically proven with science. Fight me.
Yeah, they’re still feet, but they’re usually not hairy, hobbit-toed abominations just hanging out like it’s no big deal. Maybe it’s because they get pedicures and sometimes paint their toenails, but I don’t really think any of that matters. They just have better feet than us, guys. Accept it.
I could be wrong, though. Maybe I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t understand why exposed man feet are acceptable in a professional setting. I’m no fashion expert or anything, and I usually shuffle around the office looking like a Dickensian street urchin most of the time because I don’t believe ironing t-shirts contributes anything to society, but at least I wear shoes to work.
I even wear shoes at home, although they’re more comfortable and called slippers. I change into them every day when I walk in the door like Mr. Rogers taught me, and I’m pretty sure my marriage is happier because of it.
BECAUSE NOBODY – NOT EVEN MY OWN WIFE – WANTS TO LOOK AT MY FEET.
Except for the previously mentioned hidden corner of the internet, of course. And if disgusting dude toes are your jam, more power to you. Everybody’s got their thing, and I’m not here to poke fun at your secret shame. You do you, boo. Just keep it in the privacy of your own home or on Craigslist where it belongs.
However, when you go out to walk amongst the good people of the general public, either hide your hairy hobbit feet like the rest of us, or you can just head on back to the Shire, Frodo.
#BREAKING: When all else fails and you simply can't stop wearing flip-flops or sandals, consider buying these Sandal Socks from Amazon and wearing them under actual shoes. That way, you can pretend you're still letting your fuzzy piggies fly free but nobody else has to endure the sight of the hairy beasts.
Bonus: They'd make a perfect Father's Day gift, if only they came in black.