Christmas Songs Don’t Know How Words Work
I love Christmas music as much as the next guy, but some of the songs just make no sense at all. Either whoever wrote them couldn't be bothered to pick up a rhyming dictionary at the secondhand bookstore, or the lyrics are just bonkers. You know, when you stop to think about them for a second.
Don't believe me? That's fine. I won't hold it against you. Still, you might change your mind after a few examples...
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Joyful, all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies;
With angelic host proclaim,
Christ is born in Bethlehem!
Now hold on just a minute there, pilgrim. In what world does proclaim rhyme with Bethlehem? First, you’re rhyming a two-syllable word with a three-syllable one, but that’s only a minor infraction. The main crime against the language is trying to rhyme -aim with -hem. The only way it’d ever work is if you pronounced Bethelhem as Bethlehaim, and that’s just crazy.
But it doesn’t stop there! Oh, no. There’s more.
Late in time, behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin’s womb.
I’m sorry, but you’re either pronouncing come or womb wrong here. It does this same thing later in the song, too.
Come, Desire of nations, come,
Fix in us They humble home;
Okay, now you’re just asking for it. First, you somehow rhyme come with womb, but now you totally change the pronunciation again to make it rhyme with home?
There are more, but let’s move on.
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Okay, first off, it’s Donder, not Donner. Get it right, Gene Autry.
And no, I don’t know any of Santa’s reindeer. I know of them, but I can’t know them because we’ve never met.
Also, if I can recall the names of eight other, less famous reindeer, what on earth makes you think I wouldn’t be able to remember THE MOST FAMOUS REINDEER OF ALL?!
Rudolph is an international, one-name celebrity. That’d be like forgetting who Prince was, or Madonna, or Bono. Stop being ridiculous.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears,
I’ll give it to someone special.
No you won’t, George Michael! No, you won’t.
YOU ALREADY GAVE YOUR HEART AWAY LAST YEAR! Then, whoever you gave it to ended up giving it away to someone else, which is why you’re all bitter and lonely this holiday season.
Still, that doesn’t change the fact that you gave your heart away in that initial transaction. The person you gave it to didn’t return it to you - they gave it away to someone else.
You have no heart to give.
Which, sure, is kind of sad and all, but it’s your own fault.
The Little Drummer Boy
Come, they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum.
A new born King to see
Pa rum pum pum pum
Has anyone ever even heard a drum? Because I have, and none of them sound like pa rum pum pum pum. Snare drums don’t sound like that. Bass drums don’t, either. Bongos, Congos, Tom-toms, and Timpanis each make different sounds, none of which sound like pa rum pum pum pum.
This entire song is built on a lie.
All I Want For Christmas Is You
I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
Let me go ahead and stop you right there, Mariah. You can’t rhyme Christmas with presents. I’ve already been over this with Hark The Herald Angels, but I guess no one cares about standards anymore.
Actually, no part of this song cares at all about rhyming. It pairs it with to, shining with children, need with me, and so forth, and so on.
It is a song of madness, and no one should ever listen to it ever again. Ever.
That won’t stop stores from playing it on repeat all season long, though.
Good King Wenceslas
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the Feast of Stephen
When the snow lay ‘round about
Deep and crisp and even
Why is this even a Christmas song? First off, nobody knows who “King” Wenceslas was, because if they did, they’d know he wasn’t a king at all. He was a Duke who was assassinated by his evil brother, Boleslaw the Bad.
No, I’m not making that up. Good King Wenceslas was murdered by Coleslaw. That’s just a fact.
But never mind all that. The real point here is that this Christmas song has nothing at all to do with Christmas. Like, whatsoever. There’s no mention of the Nativity, nothing about the Baby Jesus, and not even a peep about angels or wise men.
About the only connection it has to Christmas is the Feast of Stephen, which happens the day after Christmas, to celebrate the death of Christianity’s first martyr, Saint Stephen - not the birth of Christ.
Do They Know It’s Christmas
And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
Do they? DO THEY know it’s Christmas time? Well, I dunno. Let’s check…
This song was originally recorded to bring attention to the 1983-85 famine in Ethiopia. It’s 2017 now. We’ve been letting them know when Christmas is for well over 30 years now. If they still haven’t got the memo, we can probably go ahead and stop playing this song every year. It's a lost cause.
The famine ended 1985, anyway. Also, the country is 63% Christian, and some people even think the Ark of the Covenant is housed in Ethiopia, where it’s kept under constant guard near the Church of Our Lady Mary of Zion.
I’m pretty sure they know when Christmas is.
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime
Simply having a wonderful Christmastime
Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime
SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME
No, Paul McCartney. No one is having a wonderful anything whenever this song comes on. Everyone hates it. Like, seriously. Everyone. On the planet.
You should be ashamed of yourself, sir.