2017 Holiday Shopper’s Guide To Ridiculous Amazon Gifts
Do you need a joke gift for an office Christmas party? Do you have someone on your Christmas list you don't really like, but who you're socially obligated to buy a present for, anyway? Or maybe you just know a few weirdos who are impossible to shop for.
Don't worry! We've scoured the dark corners of Amazon to find the perfect ridiculous gifts for every ridiculous person on your ridiculous Christmas list.
YOU ARE WELCOME.
Pizza Pouch$4.99 (plus $4.49 Shipping)
No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. Yes, this is basically a freezer bag shaped like a piece of pizza you can, well, stick a slice of pizza into.
At $4.99, at least it's cheap. If your office party has a $10 limit, you would even be able to buy two if the shipping cost wasn't nearly as high as the product itself.
What a time to be alive.
HoodiePillow™ Travel Pillow$24.95
I can't tell you how many times I've been on a plane and said to myself: Self, this travel pillow is nice and all, but I sure wish it came with a hoodie.
Thank goodness the HoodiePillow™ company came along with the foresight - nay, the vision - to make using a travel pillow look even more absurd by adding a hoodie into the mix.
If we could just put this kind of forward-thinking ingenuity toward solving more of the world's problems, we could finally do something about North Korea.
The Bobcat Mullet$9.99
Have you ever wanted to experience the empowering freedom of feeling your luxurious waterfall of hair flowing in the breeze on a lazy Sunday afternoon while you change the tires on your home, but were afraid to fully commit to the mullet lifestyle?
If you have - and let's face it, who hasn't - then we have the perfect product for you: The Bobcat Mullet.
What, exactly, is The Bobcat Mullet, you ask? Well, as far as the rest of the world knows, it's just a red, white, and blue headband. Very patriotic!
The secret only you and your doctor will know is that the headband actually has mullet hair stitched into the party in the back.
At only $9.99, this undercover hairstyle is your ticket to a life of luxury and adorations the likes of which you've only ever imagined.
Mason Jar Measuring Cups$18.99
People go nuts for Mason Jars, for some reason. They're used as drinking glasses, soap dispensers, herb garden planters, bird feeders, toothbrush holders, and even lamps. About the only thing I've never seen them used for is their actual intended purpose. Weird.
Anyway, for that Mason Jar freak in your life (everybody has at least one), these stackable measuring cups combine their powers to form some kind of Power Rangers robot that looks like a Mason Jar.
Why anyone would want this is a mystery, but the ways of Mason Jar lovers are not our ways. Don't try to understand them. Just hand over the present and smile non-threateningly as you slowly back away.
It's the safest way, and nobody gets hurt.
Pocket Suture Practice Pad - WITH WOUNDS!$19.99
Have you found that wearing your fake mullet headband attracts unwanted attention that, more often than not, leads to fisticuffs outside the roadhouse? Yeah, it's a pretty common problem.
Why waste money going to the emergency room to have that busted lip stitched up, when you can DIY that junk yourself in the comfort and privacy of your own rest stop bathroom?
With this handy suture practice pad - WITH WOUNDS - you'll never have to worry about botching your stitch-job again. Nothing ruins your day worse than a poorly-stitched upper lip, amirite?
Practice makes perfect, as they say. So grab this kit for that special someone in your life who really needs it, and save them on the expensive cost of medical bills.
Because you, sir or madam, are a great friend.
Three Glorious Pounds of Dehydrated Cereal Marshmallows$20.95
Your first impulse might be to buy this three-pound bag of dehydrated cereal marshmallow for the cereal lover in your life - BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.
Don't waste this gift on an adult, no matter how much they need to rethink their life due to how much they love sugary cereal. Buy this for a kid.
Or, more specifically, buy this to bring misery and woe to whoever that kid's parents are, because three pounds of dehydrated sugar will get that job done, no problem.
The kid will think you're awesome. The parents will hate you, but maybe they should've thought of that before they made fun of your hoodie travel pillow.
Little Dictator Starter Kit$39.95
Technically, this is just a tin of Uranium Ore, but we like calling it the Little Dictator Starter Kit because THIS IS A TIN OF URANIUM ORE.
Granted, it's a very small sample with low radioactivity, so no one's likely to be building any bombs with this stuff anytime soon. Still, we have to wonder how many of these things Kim Jong-un has on his Christmas list this year.
It's cute how he tries, isn't it?
The perfect compliment to the headband mullet, these...um, let's just call them interesting pants have photorealistic flare printed on them.
Guaranteed to keep people from talking to you at parties, you can either gift these to yourself, or maybe to that one guy at work who drinks way too much coffee all day and keeps murdering the bathroom in ways too horrible to describe. You know, as a subtle to hint to get his life together and all that.
They also make the perfect gift if you happen to draw your poop stain of a boss' name in the Secret Santa lottery. Just make sure you leave the FROM: part of the To-and-From blank.
For obvious job security reasons.
Selfie Light With Wide Angle Lens$24.50
We all have more than a few friends whose social media pages are pretty much nothing but an endless series of selfies.
This is the gift they've been waiting for.
Not only does it provide front-facing lighting, but it also comes with a wide-angle lens to help with the whole "Suddenly Jabba" effect of turning on your phone's front-facing camera.
Sure, studies have consistently shown that taking excessive selfies is a sign of mental collapse, but we're all spinning around on a big rock that's hurtling through the uncaring void of space at 67,000 miles per hour anyway, so it's not like anything ever made sense to begin with.
Let them have their fun. Just remember to write "Narcissus" on the To-and-From.
We've all been there. You're driving along the highway at 2:00am, minding your own business after shoving half a dozen gas station burritos down your holler hole when it hits you - but the nearest exit isn't for another ten miles and, UH OH! It's already too late.
Not to worry! Just keep these handy emergency underpants (fits most adults) in your glovebox, and you'll be good to, er, go in no time!
Also makes a great gift for that younger sibling who never took Mom's advice about always leaving the house with clean underwear on.
BONUS: Emergency Underpants Dispenser$104.10
Keeping a spare pair of emergency tighty-whities in your glove box is one thing, but a dispenser that doles them out like Kleenex is something else entirely.
Whoever you're thinking about buying this for is already beyond your help.
It's okay to give up on them.