The predictions of Nostradamus have fascinated people for centuries. Written in mysterious quatrains, his prophecies have been interpreted to cover everything from World War II to Mariah Carey's career-killing New Year's Eve performance. Probably. I mean, it only makes sense.

On that note, I've dug up a few of his lesser known quatrains (that I just made up), and applied them to 2017. All of these things have been foretold by me just now, so you can pretty much bet on them happening.

ALL IS PROCEEDING AS I HAVE FORESEEN.


Miljan Mladenovic

"In the house of white,
A bird will chirp,
Loud will be its call, heard ‘round the world,
Until silenced by a heavy staff striking upon its beak."

This one is pretty obvious. What Nostradamus is trying to tell us here is that Donald Trump will get his Twitter privileges taken away. Again. This time resulting from a particularly bizarre late night tweet (probably sent from the gold-plated porcelain throne he will no doubt install in the oval office bathroom the day after he's sworn in), White House staff members will ground President Trump and take away his cell phone privileges until he learns to stop making fun of world leaders.

Unless it’s North Korea, of course. Because who doesn’t make fun of Kim Jong-un?


Thinkstock Images

"An upward rise in the tide,
Upon the wind, misfortune sails,
What goes up may never come down,
And why does a pack of gum cost so much, anyway?"

Remember that time when gas got so expensive that companies started telling us its effect would trickle down into the cost of everything, thereby justifying raising the prices of virtually every product on store shelves?

Then, do you remember when gas prices dropped not too long ago, and the price of everything else didn’t?

Clearly, Nostradamus was warning us about inflation. Look for the trend to continue this year, as trickle down economics only seems to work in the same way water flows uphill in all those weird gravity house tourist traps that dot the interstate and come to county fairs every year. Passing costs onto the consumer always trickles down, but profits never do.


Zoonar RF

"Lo, shall a darkness descend upon the starlight,
Led by bard and by troubadour,
Many will fall into the abyss,
And none shall escape, except those who survive."

Yeah, he’s obviously talking about celebrity deaths here. A lot of famous and wonderful people passed away in 2016, to the point where Time magazine really should’ve featured the Grim Reaper as its Person of the Year.

Expect 2017 to go much the same way, as we seem to get more and more celebrities every year. Whenever you have more of something, like famous people who are famous for being famous, then the odds that something will happen to some of them increases. If we only had one Kardashian, then we’d probably be okay. But there’s, like, 50 billion of them now, so odds are at least a few of them will have a really bad year.

Unless, of course, making it through 2016 means everyone still alive in 2017 is basically immortal now. The quatrain is unclear on this point.


Hemera Technologies

"Lord and Vassal alike will look to the sky,
While serfs toil in the dirt,
Plants will rise and dreams will fall,
The tariff of the land will not come cheap."

In another sign of the times, Nostradamus warns us that rent in Southwest Louisiana will continue to skyrocket in 2017. This isn’t new, of course. The fact that rent is killing our area has been well documented, but it’s important to remind everyone just how awful things will get before they get better. If they get better.

Try to look on the bright side, though. I’m sure all that extra money we’re all paying to our landlords will be invested back into the community, creating jobs and wealth that will trickle down to… Oh, wait. Please refer to the second prophecy.

We’re doomed.


Scott Lewis

"Stone and steel shall crack and buckle,
While the magpie cries ‘All is well’,
Many horses will cross its span,
And forever shall nothing be done."

This one was a little confusing at first, but I eventually figured out what Nostradamus was talking about after I remembered the I-10 Bridge. I've written about it before.

Back in 2009, it had a sufficiency rating of 24%. By 2013, that rating had fallen to 9.9%, which plummeted even further last year, when its sufficiency rating dropped to a terrifying 6.6%. To put this into perspective, remember the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis back in 2007? It had a sufficiency rating of 50%.

I predict that the Louisiana Department of Transportation and Development will continue to say that the bridge is fine and can wait for repairs until the I-210 bridge rehabilitation project is complete, but Nostradamus says that project will continue to be delayed indefinitely, and the I-10 bridge will keep getting worse.

By the time the next ratings come out, I expect the I-10 Bridge to fall firmly into “Jesus, take the wheel!” category.


There you have it, kids. Five complete and accurate predictions for 2017. You can take them to the bank, but don't come yelling at me if one or two of them don't come true. It's possible that, by writing about them, I've changed the future in ways that not even Nostradamus could have foreseen.

Hey, it worked for Doc Brown and Marty McFly. After all, I did get a Flux Capacitor for Christmas. And I'm not afraid to use it.

Kristian Bland