If you play any of these songs around me, I'll probably punch you in the tooth. Seriously. There is nothing good here. You might as well just not read this post, and definitely don't click the play button on any of the videos, lest you condemn your immortal soul to anguish and despair.

Or keep going, and regret everything. Your call.

10.) WHAM! - LAST CHRISTMAS

This one isn't actually all that bad, but it's still from Wham!, and any group that puts an exclamation mark after its name is not to be trusted. Overplayed to the point of murder every holiday season, LAST CHRISTMAS is the least horrible offender on this list. It only gets worse from here, kids.


9.) John Denver - PLEASE, DADDY (DON'T GET DRUNK THIS CHRISTMAS)

Ah, a heartwarming ballad about having an alcoholic father at Christmas time. It really stirs the holiday spirit, doesn't it? My mom was a huge John Denver fan, and his Christmas album (along with Kenny Rogers, for some reason) were always in heavy rotation in my house after Thanksgiving. This one always made me sad. Alan Jackson covered it a few years back, if you want an even more twangy version of this terrible, terrible song.


8.) David Hasselhoff - SILENT NIGHT

The Hoff might be huge in Germany, but over here in the states, he should've kept K.I.T.T. on autopilot. I guess some people love him, but I just don't get it. Here, he takes one of the most boring traditional Christmas songs and turns it into a vibrato nightmare. Avoid at all costs.


7.) Paul McCartney - WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME

Simply having a terrible migraine now. What even is the point of this song? It has roughly 5 lyrics set on an endless loop to the most obnoxious pop-synth musical accompaniment ever created by the hands of man. That doesn't stop every retail store from every mall in every town in the country from playing it nine times an hour, though.


6.) Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey - ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS (SUPERFESTIVE!)

I don't even have anything snarky to say about this one, other than that, for the good of future generations, we should take off and nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. How do you take an already horrible Mariah Carey song and make it even worse? Add Justin Bieber and a heaping teaspoon of autotune. Shake until nauseated. Serve chilled.


5.) Eartha Kitt - SANTA BABY

You had to know this one was coming. Don't get me wrong, though. Eartha Kitt's distinctive voice and obvious charms worked wonders on me as a young boy watching her take on Catwoman in the old campy Batman series, but this song should have never happened. It's just awful. It's slow and kind of creepy, and it just makes me want to wash my ear holes out with rubbing alcohol.


4.) New Kids On The Block - FUNKY, FUNKY CHRISTMAS

More like Old Men On The Corner at this point, nothing about NKOTB was ever good. My wife still loves them, but she's a silly person who frequently somehow manages to legitimately jam to The Carpenters. Obviously, her opinion cannot be respected. "It's Christmas time! We're gonna celebrate it with a rhyme!" Um, how about no.


3.) William Hung - LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

It's no coincidence that this one comes up right after that New Kids On The Block travesty of musical justice. My wife hates this song, and not just William Hung's tone-deaf version. It's her holiday kryptonite, and if I just had to listen to New Kids for this post, she'll just have to suffer through Hung For The Holidays right along with me. That's called Karma.


2.) Elvis - BLUE CHRISTMAS

This should be #1 on any list of worst Christmas songs I ever write, because I loathe it with ever fiber of my being. But it isn't, because what I have in store for you with the #1 worst song is somehow worse than this horrible train wreck, if that's even possible. I've always hated everything about this song, from Elvis' inexplicable need to pronounce the word "have" as "ah-habba-habba-habba" to the mournful background singers' plaintive moaning chorus of "ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ahhh" and everything in between. I can never escape it, either. It finds me every Christmas, either on its own or through the evil machinations of my wife and child, who managed to ruin a nearly perfect, Blue Christmas-free holiday season a couple years back by suddenly blasting it through our stereo at the last minute on Christmas Eve.

I may never forgive them.


1.) Lady Gaga - CHRISTMAS TREE

I didn't even know this song existed until I started researching terrible Christmas songs for this post, and I'm still not convinced it's entirely real. Listening to it feels like some kind of cruel joke played upon the unsuspecting people of the planet, because nothing has any right to ever be this awful. The music is bad, the lyrics are bad, the beat is bad. Everything is bad. Listen to it, and you'll never look at Christmas trees the same way again. Unless maybe you're super into Christmas trees in really unhealthy ways you should probably talk to your therapist about.


DISHONERABLE MENTIONS

 

If you really want to, you can buy any of these songs on iTunes, although what is wrong with you? Maybe you just want to annoy your family and friends, which I can respect. But if you actually like any of these songs enough to buy them and willingly listen to them for fun? Seek immediate medical attention.

  • 10. Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree

    Christmas Tree (feat. Space Cowboy) - Single
  • 6. Elvis - Blue Christmas

    Elvis' Christmas Album
  • 1. William Hung - Little Drummer Boy

    Hung for the Holidays
  • 2. New Kids On The Block - Funky, Funky Christmas

    Merry, Merry Christmas
  • 7. Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

    The Essential: Eartha Kitt
  • 9. Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas (SuperFestive!)

    Under the Mistletoe (Deluxe Edition)
  • 5. Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime

    McCartney II (Deluxe Edition)
  • 3. David Hasselhoff - Silent Night

    The Night Before Christmas
  • 4. John Denver - Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)

    Rocky Mountain Christmas
  • 8. Wham - Last Christmas

    Last Christmas - Single
  • 11. NewSong - Christmas Shoes

    The Christmas Shoes
  • 12. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas?

    Do They Know It's Christmas? - Single
  • 13. The Robertsons - Hairy Christmas

    Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas