Need a few old tires? How about free wood, or maybe some dirt? That do anything for ya?

They say the best things in life are free, which I guess means stuff like tires and dirt are some of the best things anyone could ever wish for, so I probably need to rethink my life.

Still, If you’re looking for some great bargains, it’s hard to beat the low, low price of all this absolutely free stuff you can find on Craigslist.

I’m not entirely sure what a tire garden is, but I did have a tire swing as a kid. It was pretty fun in the colder months, but in the summer it was basically a swinging death pendulum of butt-burning anguish. The seller has a bunch of pictures attached to the post with cute ideas for what to do with the tires, so check it out and get crafting.

A free riding mower? If I cared at all about yard work, I’d be all over this one in a heartbeat. I’m not sure what a riding mower’s deck is or why this one needs a new one, but whatever. It can’t be all that important.

*...googles “riding mower deck”...*

Oh, okay. The deck is only, like, the most fundamentally important part of a riding lawnmower since it’s what does all the actual cutting. Without it, you pretty much just have a really slow and annoying go-cart. Dang it.

Crafty people make really cool stuff out of old pallets, so this a pretty good deal. Assuming, of course, that you’re one of those crafty people I just mentioned. If you’re more like me, then picking up any of this guy’s pallets will just lead to you making your own Craigslist post trying to give them away to someone else because that quick project you thought was going to be easy turned into a nightmare involving specialized tools you’ve never heard of, and various grits of sandpaper that defy reason. Good luck!

And please don’t leave a mess.

Who needs a lawyer when you can snag 15 criminal code books for the years between 1988 and 2006? Well, you might, if whatever crime you’re accused of committing happened in one of the three years missing from these 15 books. By my count, there were 18 years between 1988 and 2006, so there are three missing books here. With my luck, one of them would be 1997, back when that thing I didn’t do and you can’t prove I did may or may not have happened.

Let’s just plead the Fifth and move on.

There are only 1.5 cubic yards of this stuff left, which stinks if you’re trying to bury a body because you’d be about 2.94 cubic yards short of hiding the evidence. That’s assuming you’re adhering to standard burial dimensions, though. 1.5 yards of fill dirt might be enough for a shallow grave or something. I don’t know; I’m not a murderer.

Either way, it might not be a bad idea to swing by and pick up a few of those law books after you get the dirt.

You know, just in case.