The 10 Commandments of Summer in the South
These might not have made it into the official list, but we're pretty sure they could've been.
- Thou shalt plan thy days around access to air conditioning.
Don't think of it as having to go to work every day. Look at it more as getting eight hours of free air conditioning, plus a paycheck. It's important to stay positive in these trying times.
- Thou shalt wear sunscreen or perish in the fires of perdition.
While your tan might make you look sun-kissed and healthy, just remember that the sun is trying to kill you. Seriously, it wants to watch you burn. Don't give it the satisfaction.
- Thou shalt tithe no less than 10% of thine income to the electric company. Probably more.
Some businesses make most of their money around major holidays. Retail stores get Christmas, egg dye companies get Easter, and the electric company gets summer. All of it. The whole season. Open your hearts and your wallets and just accept it.
- Thou shalt treat all creatures great and small with respect and admiration. Except for mosquitoes, which were a Mistake. Sorry.
Why were mosquitoes even allowed on the Ark? Seriously, we have questions.
- Thou shalt resist the temptation to mock your brothers and sisters from cooler climates when they complain about 90 degree weather, for they know not what they do.
It's really easy to laugh at yankees when they complain about their "hot" summer weather, but they get the last laugh when we hit our week or two of "winter" down here. Let's keep it civil out there, folks.
- Thou shalt honor thy father and mother, and never touch the thermostat.
Once set by the head of the household, the thermostat should never, ever - not ever - be touched by human hand again. The Keeper of the Temperature has a sacred duty, and your daddy don't work for no electric company. (Unless he does, but still. Respect the thermostat.)
- Thou shalt appreciate the gift of intelligence that mankind hath been given and wear the invention known as deodorant.
This is one of those things way too many people tend to forget, which you can instantly tell when walking into your nearest Walmart. We get it, though. Things are expensive and times is hard, but you can literally buy deodorant for a buck at the dollar store. No more excuses, people.
- Thou shalt only enjoy outdoor activities which involve cold water, lest ye succumb to the devil's fire.
While it's tempting to look at all the propaganda about summer and want to rush outside to enjoy some fun in the great outdoors, remember that the images we're sold come from places where the risk of having a heat stroke when walking to your mailbox is practically nonexistent. Stay indoors.
- Thou shalt remember that all of thy brothers and sisters are equally suffering the tribulations of the season and never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase, "How about this heat?"
We're all hot. You don't need to post a picture of the temperature inside your car to Instagram. We all burn when our hands touch the steering wheel. Your observations contribute nothing to the conversation. Suffer silently in solidarity.
- Thou shalt always remember: August is coming.
As bad as May feels when summer is approaching, as hot as June gets when the electric bill starts rising, as terrible as July can seem when you watch your neighbor burst into flames on his morning jog - none of these months have anything on August. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Buckle up.
Now you know the rules. Have a summer!