At least one school in Beaumont, Texas is taking its district's dress code for teachers to a whole new level. And it's kind of crazy.

The Beaumont Independent School District has a reasonable staff dress code. Things like miniskirts, low cut blouses, see-through clothing, and questionable piercings are prohibited for obvious Julia-Roberts-In-Pretty-Woman reasons.

T-shirts and jeans are generally frowned upon by the district, but are allowed on Fridays and designated Spirit Days, when staff are compelled to wear the school spirit t-shirts they had to buy during a fundraiser after their principals told them they were a mandatory option.

However, one BISD school is taking the definition of "jeans" a little far, by defining them as "any color hard-wearing trousers made of denim or other cotton fabric, for informal wear".

Kristian Bland

Yep, that's right. Teachers at this school (which I'm not naming in order to protect the identity of the teacher who sent this information to me) can't wear pants made of cotton. Why? I have no idea. I also don't know what "hard-wearing trousers" are, but I'm afraid to ask.

T-shirts are also defined by this school as "a short-sleeved causal top, generally made of cotton, having the shape of a T when spread out flat". I guess long-sleeved t-shirts are okay, though. And maybe t-shirts with a hoodie on them, because that'd screw up that whole "T" shape part of the definition.

But it's the cotton pants thing that really gets me. I mean, it is The Fabric of Our Lives®, after all. I guess it's not at this school, though.

With that in mind, I've come up with a few ideas to help the teachers out when choosing their regular weekly wardrobe. These options are, I think, firmly in the spirit of the school's new dress code.

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    Nothing conveys the professional image of the dowdy schoolmarm quite like the rough and crunchy texture of a fully woolen outfit. Neither stylish nor comfortable, this choice shows how dedicated a teacher is by how long she can stay conscious before collapsing from heat stroke because she's wearing wool in Southeast Texas.

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    Puritanical values built this country, and there's no better way to show how far we've come as a nation than to dress like it's 1635. Available in wool, linen, or even leather, not only are Puritan styles fashionable, but they'll come in really handy when teaching students about the first Thanksgiving, or The Crucible. As an added bonus, some teachers will be provided the option of stitching a red A onto their outfits, while others will be examined for witch's marks by a qualified physician, free of charge.

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    For the modern, on-the-go teacher, nothing is better than a silk gown. Both comfortable and non-constrictive, the teacher wearing this stylish garb is at home whether in the classroom or the speakeasy. Modest but playful, it lets her students know she takes her job seriously, but still knows how to have fun.

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    For the daring teacher, crushed velvet is the go-to choice for both high school and high fashion. Few materials convey a confident disregard for societal normals as wearing the same material a thousand bad Elvis pictures are painted on in hotel rooms across the country, and the no-nonsense cut of a full velvet pantsuit cannot be denied.

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    Few things are more important to a teacher in the classroom than maintaining the respect of his or her students at all times. And nothing conveys respect better than polyester. Carefully hand-selected by artisanal pimps as the de facto material for their profession, a fully polyester outfit shows students that their teacher is not afraid to get rough if the kids show up without their homework.