Look. Babies are more or less bald and, unless you're a parent, they can seem kinda goofy looking. That's just how it is. Why can't we, as a nation, accept this simple fact? And by nation, I mean STOP IT, MOMS. Your baby is a baby. Let her be a baby. Stop making her a fashion accessory upon which to project your own hideous tastes for all the world to se, because the rest of us are tired of looking at that thing on your child's head. Seriously. Just stop it.

I'm speaking, of course, about ridiculous baby headbands - and let me say up front that when I say "ridiculous baby headbands", I mean ALL baby headbands. I don't care if it's just a simple Flashdance headband because your baby is dancing for her life, or if it's one of those floral monstrosities that look like little nightmare flower explosions bursting out of your child's skull. They're all horrible.

Aside from how awful they look, you're probably squishing your child's brain. Think about that for a minute. It's got to be some level of child abuse, except no one has ever gotten around to doing any actual science that proves the physical damage caused by headband abuse. It really bothers me that scientists can find time to study things like how long ketchup takes to come out of the bottle, but not a single one of them can be bothered to publish a paper on the dangers of ridiculous baby headbands. It's like science isn't even trying to be beneficial to mankind anymore, which is probably why grown-up cough syrup still tastes like butt.

Look, I know you want your kid to be pretty and, let's face it, boy babies aren't really subjected to the headband horror. It's almost exclusively reserved for girls, because gosh darnit, the most important thing for a little girl is to be pretty first, and anything else second, right? So I guess we need to start conditioning them as early as possible. You know, before they even understand what the heck is going on. Sure, your daughter might not understand or care why her mother insists upon strapping a bit of elastic itch torture to the top of her braincase, but she trusts you and probably thinks there's a good reason for it. Mom knows best, after all.

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If you do this to your child, all you're doing is casting a spotlight on your own insecurities (that you'll probably pass on along to your special snowflake, by the way). Babies, while sometimes a little goofy looking, are all adorable in their own ways. No one should ever look at a baby's head and then decide that the situation could be greatly improved with the addition of some elastic, hot glue and a criminal overuse of tulle.

If people think your baby girl is a boy, so what? Babies are pretty gender-neutral, or at least they should be. However, if you're terrified of mistaken gender reassignment, then by all means, dress your little darling up in pink puffy princess petticoats to let the world know that she's not a boy. But nobody really cares. Except you, maybe. Either way, she doesn't need the headband.

To the rest of us, if we bother to comment on your baby at all, it's almost certainly going to be intended as a compliment. If we mistake your baby girl for a baby boy while we're telling you how adorable she is in the supermarket checkout line, just take the compliment for what it is, then say thanks or whatever and go about your day. Don't quietly seethe inside while silently cursing yourself for forgetting to apply the skull-strap wedgie to your child's cranium before you left the house that morning.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Well, except for one more thing. While boys tend to escape the ridiculous headband nonsense, they're often victims of the Parental Mohawk. It's the same thing as the headbands, really, just less brain-squishy and more temporarily permanent while you wait for the hair to grow back. No child should be forced to have a mohawk if they're under the age of being able to say things like, "I really hate looking like a tiny redneck, Daddy."

Now, if your kid is old enough to articulate his desire to look like someone just shot the tires off of his home, then by all means, go ahead and let him have the mohawk. It'll make him look hip and cool and edgy, I'm sure. Of course, it'll still say more about the parent than the child, but isn't that pretty much the point, anyway?

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